From Broken Promises

From broken promises, wounds that cannot be seen go deep.
From broken promises, pain can blind all senses-- all that there is, all that is left is just ache.
From broken promises, life can be reborn. Re-imagined.  Reclaimed.

Today would have been my 6th Wedding Anniversary.  Six years ago I was a happy bride, putting on a dress I wasn't crazy about, hanging out with my favorite people and about to make promises I had every intention of keeping.  Forever.

Unfortunately, the person I made those promises to did not have it within him to do the same.  Exactly one year ago he began to reveal to me how he was breaking all of those promises he had made.  He had promised to always be my greatest supporter, to love me and honor me, to be faithful and to grow old with me.  Instead.  A year ago horrible, unimaginable sentences were thrown at me like "You are not what a wife should be" and "I never should have proposed to you."

I wont go blow for blow through all of the promises he broke or relive all of the damage he did, but I will say this: the pain I felt, one year ago today, is by far the most excruciating, inexplicable, heart-wrenching pain I have ever felt in my life.  I wish that level of pain onto no one. 

While in the throws of agony, without my consent, time marched forward.  Life went on.  Things continued to happen.  Then the point came where I realized that I had two choices: 1) wallow in my self-pity forever or 2) move forward.

(That's not to say that I didn't spend some time having a pity party.  Oh no.  I had a great big pity party.  One that included tequila, cousins, friends, crafting, dogs licking my tears away, etc.  But as my pity party started to wind down I realized that I was ready for option 2.  I was ready to move forward.)

When texting my Beef last night he reframed this "Anniversary of Broken Promises" that I had in my head to the "Anniversary of When I Started Rebuilding My Life".  And that is exactly what it should be.

If I hadn't gone through hell a year ago, I wouldn't be where I am today.  Here is the thing-- my husband and I were very different people.  Different priorities in life, different needs and different wants.  We were holding each other back from what we both wanted.



Occasionally I find myself slipping back into sadness, mourning the life that I thought was supposed to be. I think that has been the hardest thing to deal with.  A year and a life time ago, I knew what my dreams were and I thought I knew what I wanted my future to look like. Things weren't perfect, and I wasn't necessarily happy-- but I had committed to the life I was living and I was confident in the fact that things would get better.  The dreams I once had are dead, but from those broken promises will be a future so amazing I haven't even begun to imagine it.  I suppose the strangest part (at least today) is that I haven't created new dreams.  I don't have a mental picture or a goal of what my life should look like or what I want it to look like.  In some ways that scares the crap out of me, but I think that's ok.

It's time for me to be scared.  It's time for me to challenge myself.  It's time for me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.  This is, after all, how I grow from broken promises. 




I would thank everyone that has supported me through the last year.  Not that anyone really reads this blog... but still.  To my amazing friends and family that have carried me, cried with me, comforted me, laughed with me and have inspired me-- thank you so very much.