I still don't like it, it still makes me want to throw up in the trash can next to my desk.
But I'm determined to do it.
That's something amazing that I've learned as I've gotten older. When I was younger I would kind of suppress emotion or my gut instincts and either hide, romanticize, lie or drink. If I don't admit it, I don't have to deal with it. Funny how that got me into so many absolutely terrible situations. Now that I'm older I've learned that if I allow myself to ride the waves of emotion and let myself feel what I'm feeling, I'll eventually get to a place where I can accept what is in front of me.
So after 24 hours of freaking out and tears and anxiety, I have resigned myself to the fact that worry isn't going to change the WOD. If I throw up, it's not like anyone is going to say "Oh no! Look at that, she is so worried she is sick! Let's get rid of the pool event!" Nope. All I am doing is avoiding a growth opportunity.
Getting into the pool (by myself) at the local Globo Gym last night was terrifying. But I didn't die. 25 yards is a really long length for a terrible swimmer to go. But I didn't die. I'd make my way across the pool, rest, calm myself down and them move along back to the other side of the pool. I repeated that cycle for about 40 minutes. The whole time just focusing on one point while actually in motion, and while resting telling myself I was ok. It's highly unlikely I am going to drown in 4 feet of water. It's highly unlikely I am going to drown in 5 feet of water. Let's just hope the competition pool isn't much deeper than that.....
So here is the thing. I stand behind my freak out. I support my freak out. I'm allowed to freak out. But only because it helps get me to a place where I can move forward.
And I have no choice but to just keep swimming!
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