When you grow up....

What's crazy is that I actually thought posting yesterday was going to be therapeutic.  I thought that I would write down what I was feeling and I would be able to say "ok" and move forward. 


When I was a little kid, I would have reoccurring nightmares (hmm... still happens...).  My dad gave me a strategy for dealing with them, especially when I was really scared.  I would write down every detail of the dream from the bad guy's red plaid shirt to what the house looked like to what was happening.  Every single detail.  And if I had the dream again, I would add to the details.  Eventually, after writing stuff down, the nightmares would stop. 


As an adult I sometimes still hope that if I write down what's bothering me or scaring me, it'll stop effecting me.  But when you grow up?  That doesn't really happen, now does it? I write about stuff and sometimes it helps... but most of the time I write and it's still there.  The emotion, the frustration, the confusion... they remain.  And it's not like I'm opposed to doing work to get through these things, I just wish there was a path carved out for me to follow and move through it all. 


But that's ok.  I'll be ok.  I already am ok.  And sometimes I forget that.  I am just fine.  Things can remain as they are and yes, I'll feel lonely from time to time, I'll get emotional, but I?  I am fine.  What is fine though?  My saying "I'm fine" feels like a good thing, but if you Google image the phrase "I'm fine" the most depressing shit EVER shows up.  So maybe I need to reframe.  Change gears.  What can I be other than "fine" (Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.  Thanks Google.)?   Where are my affirmations when I need them?


I am worthy.                          I am determined.
I am strong.                           I am loved.
I am compassionate.              I am loyal.
I am helpful.                          I am optimistic.
I am silly.                               I matter.
I am emotional.                      I am a work in progress.
I am loving.                           I am pretty fucking fantastic.


And I am.  I am all of those things.  So maybe this is something I need to do.  Note to self: I need to make sure when sadness starts to creep in, I check in with myself.  Is it time for me to explore the sad feelings or is it time to reframe and use affirmations to pull myself out of it.  Yesterday, definitely was the day to explore the sadness.  Today?  It's time to remind myself how wonderful shit really is, how blessed I really am and that I'm really lucky.  Because when you grow up? Life is hard enough without you being hard on yourself too.   And I might still be sad, but I'll be so many other things too.