#tbt to Last Year

(http://thejourneyisthejoy.blogspot.com/2014/08/from-broken-promises.html?m=1 )


As I look back on last year's blog post from this very same day, I'm filled with so many different things.  Honestly, I'm a little sad for the person that wrote it and the pain she was still dealing with.

But mostly?  I'm happy.  I am so freaking full of joy that I can't even believe it.  Now don't get me wrong, I didn't get to this point by just waiting around for the pain to end.  I've done so much work to get to a place where I can say "I am so fucking happy" and believe it.   In all actuality, I think I spent one year convincing myself I'd be "fine" and one year digging into the bullshit stuck in my mind really working towards being happy.

I'm no longer holding onto the ribbons of anger, resentment and hate that were binding me from enjoying my life. In the last year, I ran my body into the ground until my kidneys were tapping on my back saying "Uh.... I think something is wrong here."  From there, I discovered how not addressing issues and emotions can result in physical destruction.  I've spent the last 8 months really addressing, feeling, embracing and releasing emotions I had no idea were even present. It's like a garden.  You don't just throw down some seed and hope for the best. You prep the soil, you plant the seed, you water.  Or like with my garden... I check on it every day, wonder if it's dying, water it more, water it less, talk to it, take pictures of it and eventually-- crack the code and find balance for it to produce.  I've figured out how to till my own soil, water and nurture my soul.  I've weeded out the bullshit to make room for my life to blossom.






I'm in a place in my life where gratitude and joy are ever-present.  I'm in a place where I no longer hide away from social interaction outside of my normal inner-circle of friends.  I am out in the world, taking risks, talking to strangers, and opening myself to the possibilities of what can be.


I am even having a hard time fitting all that I love to do in the time constraints of 24 hours!  I wake up, go to the job that I love (working with people I adore), and then spend my remaining waking hours Crossfitting, running, painting, reading, going out and socializing or just sitting outside and enjoying the evening air.  I'm sleeping less than I should be because I just can't bring myself to go to bed yet!  Who is this person?! 




I use the "Own Your Awesome" affirmation deck at work from Yourjoyologist.com as a way to set the tone for my day.  Today's affirmation that was randomly selected was, "I let my heart lead me."  The  Universe provided me with the affirmation that I needed to see to celebrate the fact that yes--- through everything, I let my heart lead me.  I'm no longer living my life in a place of fear, sadness, hate, regret or hope.  I'm living in a place of love.  I am at peace with what has happened and I am grateful for the growth it required of me. 


Again, I'd like to thank you guys-- my amazing support system of friends and family. Love you. 

Rock and a Hard Place

No one wants to be stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Especially in the work environment.  Yet that is exactly where I find myself today.  On one side, I have my years of corporate leadership experience, my management experience, and understanding of the real world.  On the other side I have my present work life as an entry level staffer within a unified group that has an agenda. 

So what do I do?  Do I alienate myself against my peer group by making an unpopular decision and stand off to the side as they move forward?  Or do I remain united with them, potentially thwarting my upward mobility.

Well obviously, I'm eventually going to choose to alienate myself and do what I feel is right.  Which makes it funny that I even pretend I have an option here.  Except that of course I have options.  I just don't like them. 

The truth is, life isn't fair.  The work environment, no matter where you go, isn't going to be fair either.  Which is why I have to stick with what I believe to be right.  Even if it sucks.  And isn't popular. 

I guess I just needed to write this here to show myself a little moral support. 



Runnner, Jogger, Walker, Mover.

Yesterday I completed my 6th half marathon.

To some it's an amazing feat, to others it's the ordinary, to me it is somewhere in between.

I started "running" when I was 16 and a Junior in High School.  A lot of my friends did track, so it was a great way for me to socialize after school.  On my first day of practice I couldn't run the length of the soccer field without stopping to walk.  I had never been forced to run, I had never been encouraged to run and I never wanted to run.  So that first day when I was faced with running, I remember thinking "why am I doing this???"  I thought that soccer field was going to be the hardest part of my day... then I had to figure out what my "events" were going to be.  What do you sign up for in Track & Field when you aren't fast, you don't have endurance and you aren't strong??  Most people would say, you should sit in the bleachers and just watch.  But I didn't.  I remember one of the Coaches (Coach Powell) working it out with me.  I was going to do the 400m and also work on the 800m and long jump.  These were, theoretically, things I could work on and get better through the season.

Coach Powell worked with the distance runners and I remember training with them.  I remember spending a lot of that first month walking with my head down because I was so embarassed. Slowly but surely, I started to improve. I also started to notice really weird things.... for one I was getting itty bitty leg muscles, but more noticeably I was getting bruises all up and down the insides of my calves.  I remember bringing it up to Coach one day and he said he'd keep an eye on my form to see if he could figure out why.  About 20 minutes into the work out, he called me over, chuckling.  I'll never forget him explaining to me, through chuckles, that I was bruised because I was kicking myself.  Yep.  Focused on moving forward, I wasn't paying attention to my weak ankles and was kicking myself.  Awesome.   Just another thing for me to work on. 

 By the end of that track season I was able to run over a mile without stopping, not moving fast, but at least I was moving continuously.

That summer I worked on my running by myself and with a friend of my parents.  At the end of the summer, I was doing the impossible--  I could run 5 miles without stopping.  I wasn't kicking myself.  I was rarely tripping on my own two feet.  I had found my sport.  And even now, 17 years later, I still credit Coach Powell for my dedication to a sport that I'm not good at, but that I do.  Because I can.

Yesterday, during my 13.1 miles of agony, I spent a lot of time thinking about running.  It's an awful activity that is a lot of impact on my aging joints.  I'm not built like a runner-- I'm short, with a small gait and I'm overweight.  I'm not graceful or fast or even good.  But when I hit the trail, the track or the treadmill it's a time where I can really push myself past my comfort zone.  When my body is saying "stop, you can't do this" or "you should stop, you haven't trained for this", my mind says "just keep putting one foot in front of the other."  So I do.  One foot in front of the other-- sometimes running, sometimes jogging,  sometimes walking (I did a lot of that yesterday), but always moving. 

Running is hard.  Running is uncomfortable.  Running is boring.  But running reminds me of the first time I started to believe myself-- back on that dirt track, in my adidas wind pants, with bruised calves.

Now that I'm older though, I've become a lazy runner.  See, I know I can go far mentally so I've stopped doing my homework.  I've stopped training, at that is where the joy is.   Race day is ok, but it's overcrowded, chaotic and makes me nervous.  Training is where I find myself pushing harder, testing limits and making improvements.

I completed two half marathons this year and did MAYBE 10 days of actual running training.  Not acceptable.  So I have drafted a training plan and it begins this week.  It's time for me to fall back in love with the process so that I can find the passion I once had.  And maybe I'll find some speed in my old age... or maybe just some more stitches.  Either way, it'll be something!

When you grow up....

What's crazy is that I actually thought posting yesterday was going to be therapeutic.  I thought that I would write down what I was feeling and I would be able to say "ok" and move forward. 


When I was a little kid, I would have reoccurring nightmares (hmm... still happens...).  My dad gave me a strategy for dealing with them, especially when I was really scared.  I would write down every detail of the dream from the bad guy's red plaid shirt to what the house looked like to what was happening.  Every single detail.  And if I had the dream again, I would add to the details.  Eventually, after writing stuff down, the nightmares would stop. 


As an adult I sometimes still hope that if I write down what's bothering me or scaring me, it'll stop effecting me.  But when you grow up?  That doesn't really happen, now does it? I write about stuff and sometimes it helps... but most of the time I write and it's still there.  The emotion, the frustration, the confusion... they remain.  And it's not like I'm opposed to doing work to get through these things, I just wish there was a path carved out for me to follow and move through it all. 


But that's ok.  I'll be ok.  I already am ok.  And sometimes I forget that.  I am just fine.  Things can remain as they are and yes, I'll feel lonely from time to time, I'll get emotional, but I?  I am fine.  What is fine though?  My saying "I'm fine" feels like a good thing, but if you Google image the phrase "I'm fine" the most depressing shit EVER shows up.  So maybe I need to reframe.  Change gears.  What can I be other than "fine" (Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.  Thanks Google.)?   Where are my affirmations when I need them?


I am worthy.                          I am determined.
I am strong.                           I am loved.
I am compassionate.              I am loyal.
I am helpful.                          I am optimistic.
I am silly.                               I matter.
I am emotional.                      I am a work in progress.
I am loving.                           I am pretty fucking fantastic.


And I am.  I am all of those things.  So maybe this is something I need to do.  Note to self: I need to make sure when sadness starts to creep in, I check in with myself.  Is it time for me to explore the sad feelings or is it time to reframe and use affirmations to pull myself out of it.  Yesterday, definitely was the day to explore the sadness.  Today?  It's time to remind myself how wonderful shit really is, how blessed I really am and that I'm really lucky.  Because when you grow up? Life is hard enough without you being hard on yourself too.   And I might still be sad, but I'll be so many other things too. 

Fall into Emotion

Fall seems to have arrived in Sacramento.  At least for now, anyway.  The leaves are falling, we had a lovely little rain the other night, temperatures have dropped into the 70's and breezes are moving everything around.  Sweaters have been pulled from the deep recesses of closets, boots dusted off and scarves worn with glee.  Pumpkin spice everything is every where.


Fall has to be my all time favorite season.  I love this time of year.  I love wearing hoodies and Uggs and watching scary movies... warm beverages, wind-chilled cheeks, long sleeved shirts, and shorter days.


And even though I have so much to be happy about, so much to be thankful for and so much joy in my life--- I can't help it, I feel lonely.  Being alone in the Spring and Summer are always fine with me-- it's too hot to want to cuddle (much) and it seems like things are happening non-stop, distracting me from the fact that I'm alone.  But in the fall?  The things I love doing would be so much better if I had someone to do them with.    Someone to snuggle up on the couch with as a pumpkin candle burns and the scary movie's plot intensifies.


It's not that I'm in a hurry or looking to be married again right away, I'm perfectly ok with patiently waiting for the right person.  I'm great company to be around, so I'm ok with being alone.  But the void, the emptiness that echoes as I walk through my house... I can feel it in my chest. 


I know I don't want to completely share my life or my home with someone until I am sure they are the right person.  I'm not looking to compromise my standards again and I feel like I have a greater understanding of what I am worth, after everything that I've been through.  But it would still be nice...


Maybe romantic-comedies and my failed marriage have ruined me for love.  Maybe  my expectations are now too high and I've played all of this backwards-- I should have started with high standards in the first place. 




I listen to soft music that fills my heart so full of emotion that tears come to my eyes.  Good tears, happy tears.... I'm singing along to the love songs that express what I hope to experience.  And although I'm sure most men would be totally put off by this emotion, I hope and I have faith that the one man-- the one that is right for me is out there and wouldn't mind.  He would understand that my feelings are always at the brim of my being, just waiting to pour over, whether in love or joy or passion or sadness--- they are never far from the surface.


 It's a blessing and a curse; I find myself over-sheltering and protecting the world from who I am because nobody wants to see the tear streaked face of a divorcee who has been overcome by the beauty of a song.  Or maybe that's just what I say inside so that I can really just protect myself from the world.  At this point I'm not sure which one of those is the real deal, but maybe it's a little bit of both. 


So as Fall envelopes us further I hope that you (yes you) are happy, you are being held tight and you are feeling the love that is around you and within you. 

The Paleo Project, Day 30

Day 30?  Really??  Already??? But... I'm not a size 2 yet!!! 


In all honesty, I haven't lost much weight with Paleo this time around.  I'm not sure where the gaps are in my process but it's probably somewhere in here:

• too many 4 oz glasses of wine
• too much fruit
• not enough protein
• not enough carbs
• too many paleo treats
• not enough cardio
• too much stress

So as I embark on month 2 tomorrow, I'll but dusting off the ol' food journal and cataloguing my intake and output.  This should help me find the gaps and fix what isn't working.  Which is totally ok!  Sometimes these things need to be fine tuned.  That's why it's a process and not an instant remedy. 


The great news is that my workouts have been feeling amazing.  In doing all 3 Lurong Living Paleo Challenge workouts, I felt really great and even surpassed the goals I had made for myself.  It's really a strange feeling for me-- to not be last.  To feel strong.  In fact, there are times when I approach my loaded barbell and try to mentally prepare myself to lift it, only to pick it up and realize it's a lot lighter than I'm used to.  Or, maybe I need to rephrase that--- only to pick it up and realize that I am a lot stronger than I used to be!  When a 95 pound clean and jerk feels relatively easy at the end of a workout, I'm learning that I need to let go of my preconceived ideas are of what I can do.  I see my body and am unimpressed.  I honestly see a fluffy body that needs a lot of work, but what I'm learning is that in addition to fluff, I have a lot of strength and muscle that I need to celebrate and push harder. 


I need to shift a bit so that the big focuses on this Paleo Project for myself are not just in losing weight, but in working on accepting my body for what it is, how it looks, and also pushing it to perform better.  I need to stop thinking about what the scale says and focus on my performance.  Fluff loss will come while I'm busy focusing on clean, healthy, whole foods and working out at a higher intensity, pushing myself to lift more and work harder than my mind thinks I can. 


The only limits are the ones I have placed on myself.
And those limits are going to be changing. 

Paleo Project, Day 17 and an Official End to Being Grounded

Yep.  An end to being grounded.  Why?  Well for two reasons:
1.  Being grounded is just not super conducive to my lifestyle right now.  I'm single and I'm social.  Trying to cut myself off from the things that I love to do and I enjoy doing is kind of silly and unnecessary.  Now, I don't need to overload my schedule like I had been doing, but I also don't need to fully restrict myself.  It's just too much.
2.  I was failing miserably.  Not only did I have my two "pre-approved" activities, but I was starting to make exceptions for other events too (including a birthday dinner tonight).  Additionally, with my mom visiting we went out a lot. 

So I'm calling an end to my self-imposed seclusion and am going to have fun for the rest of the month.  I will attempt that item on my list again at a later time... maybe in February when it's a nice short month.

While being grounded is dead, my Paleo Project is still going, full steam ahead. I found  a recipe for the most amazing paleo chocolate chip cookies online (www.livinpaleocuisine.com) and think that even if I go back to a less paleo life down the road, this will still be my go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe.  They are THAT great. 

Aside from that there isn't much new to report on the paleo front.  Most of my detox side effects are gone (with exception to the migraine that is currently gracing my life) and I'm starting to feel more energy!  It's a beautiful day to eat clean!