Rock and a Hard Place

No one wants to be stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Especially in the work environment.  Yet that is exactly where I find myself today.  On one side, I have my years of corporate leadership experience, my management experience, and understanding of the real world.  On the other side I have my present work life as an entry level staffer within a unified group that has an agenda. 

So what do I do?  Do I alienate myself against my peer group by making an unpopular decision and stand off to the side as they move forward?  Or do I remain united with them, potentially thwarting my upward mobility.

Well obviously, I'm eventually going to choose to alienate myself and do what I feel is right.  Which makes it funny that I even pretend I have an option here.  Except that of course I have options.  I just don't like them. 

The truth is, life isn't fair.  The work environment, no matter where you go, isn't going to be fair either.  Which is why I have to stick with what I believe to be right.  Even if it sucks.  And isn't popular. 

I guess I just needed to write this here to show myself a little moral support. 



Runnner, Jogger, Walker, Mover.

Yesterday I completed my 6th half marathon.

To some it's an amazing feat, to others it's the ordinary, to me it is somewhere in between.

I started "running" when I was 16 and a Junior in High School.  A lot of my friends did track, so it was a great way for me to socialize after school.  On my first day of practice I couldn't run the length of the soccer field without stopping to walk.  I had never been forced to run, I had never been encouraged to run and I never wanted to run.  So that first day when I was faced with running, I remember thinking "why am I doing this???"  I thought that soccer field was going to be the hardest part of my day... then I had to figure out what my "events" were going to be.  What do you sign up for in Track & Field when you aren't fast, you don't have endurance and you aren't strong??  Most people would say, you should sit in the bleachers and just watch.  But I didn't.  I remember one of the Coaches (Coach Powell) working it out with me.  I was going to do the 400m and also work on the 800m and long jump.  These were, theoretically, things I could work on and get better through the season.

Coach Powell worked with the distance runners and I remember training with them.  I remember spending a lot of that first month walking with my head down because I was so embarassed. Slowly but surely, I started to improve. I also started to notice really weird things.... for one I was getting itty bitty leg muscles, but more noticeably I was getting bruises all up and down the insides of my calves.  I remember bringing it up to Coach one day and he said he'd keep an eye on my form to see if he could figure out why.  About 20 minutes into the work out, he called me over, chuckling.  I'll never forget him explaining to me, through chuckles, that I was bruised because I was kicking myself.  Yep.  Focused on moving forward, I wasn't paying attention to my weak ankles and was kicking myself.  Awesome.   Just another thing for me to work on. 

 By the end of that track season I was able to run over a mile without stopping, not moving fast, but at least I was moving continuously.

That summer I worked on my running by myself and with a friend of my parents.  At the end of the summer, I was doing the impossible--  I could run 5 miles without stopping.  I wasn't kicking myself.  I was rarely tripping on my own two feet.  I had found my sport.  And even now, 17 years later, I still credit Coach Powell for my dedication to a sport that I'm not good at, but that I do.  Because I can.

Yesterday, during my 13.1 miles of agony, I spent a lot of time thinking about running.  It's an awful activity that is a lot of impact on my aging joints.  I'm not built like a runner-- I'm short, with a small gait and I'm overweight.  I'm not graceful or fast or even good.  But when I hit the trail, the track or the treadmill it's a time where I can really push myself past my comfort zone.  When my body is saying "stop, you can't do this" or "you should stop, you haven't trained for this", my mind says "just keep putting one foot in front of the other."  So I do.  One foot in front of the other-- sometimes running, sometimes jogging,  sometimes walking (I did a lot of that yesterday), but always moving. 

Running is hard.  Running is uncomfortable.  Running is boring.  But running reminds me of the first time I started to believe myself-- back on that dirt track, in my adidas wind pants, with bruised calves.

Now that I'm older though, I've become a lazy runner.  See, I know I can go far mentally so I've stopped doing my homework.  I've stopped training, at that is where the joy is.   Race day is ok, but it's overcrowded, chaotic and makes me nervous.  Training is where I find myself pushing harder, testing limits and making improvements.

I completed two half marathons this year and did MAYBE 10 days of actual running training.  Not acceptable.  So I have drafted a training plan and it begins this week.  It's time for me to fall back in love with the process so that I can find the passion I once had.  And maybe I'll find some speed in my old age... or maybe just some more stitches.  Either way, it'll be something!

When you grow up....

What's crazy is that I actually thought posting yesterday was going to be therapeutic.  I thought that I would write down what I was feeling and I would be able to say "ok" and move forward. 


When I was a little kid, I would have reoccurring nightmares (hmm... still happens...).  My dad gave me a strategy for dealing with them, especially when I was really scared.  I would write down every detail of the dream from the bad guy's red plaid shirt to what the house looked like to what was happening.  Every single detail.  And if I had the dream again, I would add to the details.  Eventually, after writing stuff down, the nightmares would stop. 


As an adult I sometimes still hope that if I write down what's bothering me or scaring me, it'll stop effecting me.  But when you grow up?  That doesn't really happen, now does it? I write about stuff and sometimes it helps... but most of the time I write and it's still there.  The emotion, the frustration, the confusion... they remain.  And it's not like I'm opposed to doing work to get through these things, I just wish there was a path carved out for me to follow and move through it all. 


But that's ok.  I'll be ok.  I already am ok.  And sometimes I forget that.  I am just fine.  Things can remain as they are and yes, I'll feel lonely from time to time, I'll get emotional, but I?  I am fine.  What is fine though?  My saying "I'm fine" feels like a good thing, but if you Google image the phrase "I'm fine" the most depressing shit EVER shows up.  So maybe I need to reframe.  Change gears.  What can I be other than "fine" (Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.  Thanks Google.)?   Where are my affirmations when I need them?


I am worthy.                          I am determined.
I am strong.                           I am loved.
I am compassionate.              I am loyal.
I am helpful.                          I am optimistic.
I am silly.                               I matter.
I am emotional.                      I am a work in progress.
I am loving.                           I am pretty fucking fantastic.


And I am.  I am all of those things.  So maybe this is something I need to do.  Note to self: I need to make sure when sadness starts to creep in, I check in with myself.  Is it time for me to explore the sad feelings or is it time to reframe and use affirmations to pull myself out of it.  Yesterday, definitely was the day to explore the sadness.  Today?  It's time to remind myself how wonderful shit really is, how blessed I really am and that I'm really lucky.  Because when you grow up? Life is hard enough without you being hard on yourself too.   And I might still be sad, but I'll be so many other things too. 

Fall into Emotion

Fall seems to have arrived in Sacramento.  At least for now, anyway.  The leaves are falling, we had a lovely little rain the other night, temperatures have dropped into the 70's and breezes are moving everything around.  Sweaters have been pulled from the deep recesses of closets, boots dusted off and scarves worn with glee.  Pumpkin spice everything is every where.


Fall has to be my all time favorite season.  I love this time of year.  I love wearing hoodies and Uggs and watching scary movies... warm beverages, wind-chilled cheeks, long sleeved shirts, and shorter days.


And even though I have so much to be happy about, so much to be thankful for and so much joy in my life--- I can't help it, I feel lonely.  Being alone in the Spring and Summer are always fine with me-- it's too hot to want to cuddle (much) and it seems like things are happening non-stop, distracting me from the fact that I'm alone.  But in the fall?  The things I love doing would be so much better if I had someone to do them with.    Someone to snuggle up on the couch with as a pumpkin candle burns and the scary movie's plot intensifies.


It's not that I'm in a hurry or looking to be married again right away, I'm perfectly ok with patiently waiting for the right person.  I'm great company to be around, so I'm ok with being alone.  But the void, the emptiness that echoes as I walk through my house... I can feel it in my chest. 


I know I don't want to completely share my life or my home with someone until I am sure they are the right person.  I'm not looking to compromise my standards again and I feel like I have a greater understanding of what I am worth, after everything that I've been through.  But it would still be nice...


Maybe romantic-comedies and my failed marriage have ruined me for love.  Maybe  my expectations are now too high and I've played all of this backwards-- I should have started with high standards in the first place. 




I listen to soft music that fills my heart so full of emotion that tears come to my eyes.  Good tears, happy tears.... I'm singing along to the love songs that express what I hope to experience.  And although I'm sure most men would be totally put off by this emotion, I hope and I have faith that the one man-- the one that is right for me is out there and wouldn't mind.  He would understand that my feelings are always at the brim of my being, just waiting to pour over, whether in love or joy or passion or sadness--- they are never far from the surface.


 It's a blessing and a curse; I find myself over-sheltering and protecting the world from who I am because nobody wants to see the tear streaked face of a divorcee who has been overcome by the beauty of a song.  Or maybe that's just what I say inside so that I can really just protect myself from the world.  At this point I'm not sure which one of those is the real deal, but maybe it's a little bit of both. 


So as Fall envelopes us further I hope that you (yes you) are happy, you are being held tight and you are feeling the love that is around you and within you. 

The Paleo Project, Day 30

Day 30?  Really??  Already??? But... I'm not a size 2 yet!!! 


In all honesty, I haven't lost much weight with Paleo this time around.  I'm not sure where the gaps are in my process but it's probably somewhere in here:

• too many 4 oz glasses of wine
• too much fruit
• not enough protein
• not enough carbs
• too many paleo treats
• not enough cardio
• too much stress

So as I embark on month 2 tomorrow, I'll but dusting off the ol' food journal and cataloguing my intake and output.  This should help me find the gaps and fix what isn't working.  Which is totally ok!  Sometimes these things need to be fine tuned.  That's why it's a process and not an instant remedy. 


The great news is that my workouts have been feeling amazing.  In doing all 3 Lurong Living Paleo Challenge workouts, I felt really great and even surpassed the goals I had made for myself.  It's really a strange feeling for me-- to not be last.  To feel strong.  In fact, there are times when I approach my loaded barbell and try to mentally prepare myself to lift it, only to pick it up and realize it's a lot lighter than I'm used to.  Or, maybe I need to rephrase that--- only to pick it up and realize that I am a lot stronger than I used to be!  When a 95 pound clean and jerk feels relatively easy at the end of a workout, I'm learning that I need to let go of my preconceived ideas are of what I can do.  I see my body and am unimpressed.  I honestly see a fluffy body that needs a lot of work, but what I'm learning is that in addition to fluff, I have a lot of strength and muscle that I need to celebrate and push harder. 


I need to shift a bit so that the big focuses on this Paleo Project for myself are not just in losing weight, but in working on accepting my body for what it is, how it looks, and also pushing it to perform better.  I need to stop thinking about what the scale says and focus on my performance.  Fluff loss will come while I'm busy focusing on clean, healthy, whole foods and working out at a higher intensity, pushing myself to lift more and work harder than my mind thinks I can. 


The only limits are the ones I have placed on myself.
And those limits are going to be changing. 

Paleo Project, Day 17 and an Official End to Being Grounded

Yep.  An end to being grounded.  Why?  Well for two reasons:
1.  Being grounded is just not super conducive to my lifestyle right now.  I'm single and I'm social.  Trying to cut myself off from the things that I love to do and I enjoy doing is kind of silly and unnecessary.  Now, I don't need to overload my schedule like I had been doing, but I also don't need to fully restrict myself.  It's just too much.
2.  I was failing miserably.  Not only did I have my two "pre-approved" activities, but I was starting to make exceptions for other events too (including a birthday dinner tonight).  Additionally, with my mom visiting we went out a lot. 

So I'm calling an end to my self-imposed seclusion and am going to have fun for the rest of the month.  I will attempt that item on my list again at a later time... maybe in February when it's a nice short month.

While being grounded is dead, my Paleo Project is still going, full steam ahead. I found  a recipe for the most amazing paleo chocolate chip cookies online (www.livinpaleocuisine.com) and think that even if I go back to a less paleo life down the road, this will still be my go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe.  They are THAT great. 

Aside from that there isn't much new to report on the paleo front.  Most of my detox side effects are gone (with exception to the migraine that is currently gracing my life) and I'm starting to feel more energy!  It's a beautiful day to eat clean!

From Snuggle to Bubble

Snuggles.  Snuggling.  Cuddlefests. Bear Hugs.  Spooning. 


These are things that I love to do.  Correction.  Loved to do.  I don't know, I'm sure I still love to do these things, but a lack of opportunity to do them has left me feeling... detached.  On an island.  In a bubble.  Or maybe I just deprioritized it??


Late last year (fall and winter), as temperatures dropped and as I became more aware of my new circumstances, I craved physical touch.  In a huge way.  I noticed that I was going days and days without any physical interaction with another person.  I became strangely empathetic to the residents of the Skilled Nursing Facility I worked in, wondering how often they received a touch.  Not when they were getting changed or fed or cleaned up, but a hand reassuringly on the back or a hug even. It was pretty depressing


 My craving for physical touch is eventually what led me back to activity.  I knew that if I went to Crossfit after work, someone was going to hug me.  My coach, one of my friends-- someone.  I would get a quick 1 to 3 second embrace that would carry me through the next 24-48 hours.  Then I was introduced to yoga--- Zuda to be specific-- where they have assistants that come around during practice and touch you.  Sometimes they help you work through a pose, but sometimes they come by and give you a little rub down.  For pretty much all of December and January I found myself at Crossfit or Zuda every day of the week.  If I missed a day-- it's because I would be seeing a friend and could count on a hug there.


When I think back to this, part of me (the mean, judgmental part) thinks: how pathetic.  I craved touch so badly that I was willing to pay people to touch me.  Not that way... but... you know.  In platonic, exercise related ways.  Another part of me is pretty proud of the fact that I found a way to get what I wanted (physical touch) while incorporating what I needed (physical activity, community, purpose, routine...). 


Things are a little different today.  Granted I am still working out anywhere from 3-6 days per week at Crossfit  (uh... I haven't seen the inside of Zuda studio in a few months), but I'm not seeking out physical touch anymore.  Sure, there are times when I'm at home, late at night, and think "wow, it'd be really nice to have someone to snuggle up to while watching a movie."  But that thought doesn't happen very often.  I don't crave physical touch anymore like I used to.  And I'm not sure if it's because I've created a personal space bubble or if it's just because it's not a priority like before. And these are the thoughts and theories that popped into my head, dying for attention at 3:00am yesterday...


The Bubble Theory-- by creating a personal space bubble I'm insulating myself against potential future hurt.  This could also be why I avoid dating and socializing outside of my current network of friends. 


The Other Theory-- maybe I've come to a point where I'm becoming more ok with myself.  I'm not looking for comfort from the outside to let me know that I'm ok-- I know that I'm ok and I know I've come a long way.  I don't need someone else's physical touch to validate that (or me).


The Truth-- it's probably a mixture of both theories. 


What it all means-- Probably nothing.  Maybe something.  I guess it's just interesting how life changes.  How needs change.  In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, there are 5 basic needs we have as human beings: physiological (breathing, paleo food, good wine/tequila, sex, homeostasis, etc.), safety (security of resources, employment, decent wi-fi, health, family, etc.), love/belonging (sexual intimacy, friendships, family, etc.), esteem (confidence, achievement, respect, Olympic lifting PRs, etc.), and self -actualization (morality, creativity, blogging with semi-regularity, etc.).   Okay, maybe I interpret Maslow's Hierarchy a little bit different than most, but the 5 needs are true to his Hierarchy.  And maybe because I didn't feel safety, love/belonging, esteem or self-actualization last year (and was uninterested in my physiological needs), I subconsciously focused on the one thing that meant the most to me at the time-- love/belonging-- not realizing that in searching for love/belonging, I would fulfill my other basic needs in new and exciting ways. 


Whoa.  Did that just come out of me?

Paleo Project, Day 10

Here we are!  Day 10!!  And I've been a paleo eating, home cooking machine!  True to my commitment to myself (with making room for my two, pre-approved outings), I've been doing a great job.  This week my cooking took a creative turn, out of necessity.  Normally when I go paleo I eat a lot of grilled chicken.  A lot.  And I get sick of it, but still eat it until I can't eat it anymore.... and then I fall off the paleo-wagon.  I also eat a lot of mixed greens or baby spinach just to fill myself up, but don't really consider flavor.


All of this is crazy because I?  Absolutely love cooking!  I try to get myself in the mind-set that "Food is Fuel, not Fun" but why can't it be both???   I know that one mental road block I have is spending a lot of time in the kitchen for only one person, but I've decided I will make elaborate meals or do big meal prep and be innovative/experimental Just For Me.  Because I am worth it.  I'm worth the time, it's fun and it's amazing fuel for my workouts.  So in addition to the trip tip and green beans I made, I decided to throw in some fun stuff. 


For starters, after much encouragement from a friend that loves it, I made Cashew Cheese.  It sounds pretty terrible, right?  Cashew Cheese.  It might as well be toe cheese... or head cheese.  It's not really cheese.  It's just nuts, pretending to be cheese.  I didn't think I needed that kind of deception in my life.  Until I made it. Crazily enough, as I was making it, the smell of the nutritional yeast made me not want to eat this weird concoction.  But here is the thing about nutritional yeast-- it's an awesome source for B vitamins, has all 18 amino acids, and it's believed to help balance out the gut by eliminating bad yeast.  So how can I write off this amazingly, nutrient dense, foul smelling food type product???  Mixed with the cashews, garlic and other ingredients, the nutritional yeast has more of a pungent smell than it does a taste.  The Cashew Cheese reminds of hummus more than it does a cheese spread, but the over all verdict is-- this stuff is fantastic!  I could easily see myself doing this once a month or so for variety in my diet. 


In addition to the Cashew Cheese, I attempted making crackers (because cheese and crackers! amiright?!?!).  The recipe I found seemed pretty easy and straight forward for herb crackers, but as I made them I was sure they weren't going to turn out.  Seriously?!  Three tablespoons of liquid to make a dough with 2 cups of almond flour?  Even after taking the crackers out of the oven, I was positive they would just turn to crumbs the second I touched them.  But after waiting the requisite 20 minutes, I had fabulous, savory-- almost buttery tasting-- herbed crackers!  This is something I can see myself making just about every week because they are THAT great.  Seriously.  People at work raved over how great the crackers were.  Non-paleo eating people.  Paleo skeptics.  They loved these paleo, vegan crackers.  Because what better way to make something sound awful, intimidating and disgusting that to call them Paleo Vegan Crackers.  I prefer just calling them homemade crackers.


The final food prep adventure I embarked upon was in making a dessert for the week. Here is the thing-- I don't have a major sweet tooth and I don't feel the need for having dessert at night.  I'm not a huge fan of ice cream and I can do without most pies and cobblers (unless they are apple...).  When I want something sweet, it's at about 2:30pm.  Last week I was majorly tempted by an attorney's candy dish that is located conveniently less than 6 feet from my desk.  I was able to resist the temptation, but it was difficult.  So-- thanks to the Huffington Post providing me with 27 Paleo Cookie Recipes to choose from ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/03/paleo-cookies_n_5749924.html), I tackled the Pumpkin Pie Cookies.  I added the optional dark chocolate chips to my cookies and mine did not look as pretty as the picture provided by the HuffPost, but the flavor??  To Die For.  Again, another Paleo item that people at work have been asking me to forward to them so they can try making them too. 


Already people are asking me what I'm going to bring in for them to try next week!  I'm considering attempting blueberry muffins from a recipe provided to me by Juvy (a CrossFit friend that makes the BEST baked goods),  maybe sweet potato chocolate chip cookies and hopefully something yummy for a main course like Butter Chicken over cauliflower rice.  We'll see how much I feel like prepping next week though.  The cooking is awesome!!  The dishes and clean up?  Not so much...

--------------------------
Recipes:
Cashew Cheese: http://www.nutritionstripped.com/classic-cashew-cheese/


Crackers: http://www.elanaspantry.com/vegan-herb-crackers/


Pumpkin Pie Cookies: http://detoxinista.com/2012/09/pumpkin-pie-cookies-vegan-grain-free/

The Paleo Project, Day 5

It's Day 5 and I haven't killed anyone yet. Which is totally awesome.  In fact, the only side effect I've dealt with so far is that I've been a little quick to get annoyed... and in the morning I have a low grade headache... and I'm having weird cravings for things I don't even usually eat... and I'm more tired than normal... and I'm peeing... a lot... like wake up in the night multiple times to pee.  Ok so maybe I have a few side effects. Totes normal though, right? 
Yes.  Totally normal.  My body is flushing out toxins and dealing with low-grade withdrawal from all the crap I've lovingly forced into my system via legumes, grains and dairy.  Now that my body is actually able to isolate some of these toxins (since there isn't a steady stream of them coming in), it's moving them around and flushing them out.  Hence the headache and crazy pee schedule. 
In two weeks though I should be able to start looking forward to the increased mental clarity, increased emotional balance, fat loss, decreased joint pain, and clearer skin.  You know... as long as I don't shit the bed and go carb-crazy. 
To be honest this morning I woke up a wee bit late and had to make an effort to talk myself out of my normal bad habits.  What I wanted to do was rush to get ready and then head to Nugget (my favorite grocery store) to get an Americano and a cup of apple cinnamon oatmeal... And pick up one of their ready made boxed lunches with chicken salad, grapes, cucumbers and (my craving all week) lovely, buttery Ritz crackers.  Alas, that would break almost all of my September rules.  And since I overslept, I knew I didn't have time to make myself a warm breakfast.   What's a girl to do in these situations??? 
Instead of focusing what I wanted to do but shouldn't do, I decided to switch gears and focus on what I could do.  I grabbed an extra (pre-weighed and wrapped) bundle of grilled chicken, some extra nuts and threw it into my lunch bag as I ran out the door.  Luckily I had extra coffee in the pot from yesterday so I poured it over some ice with a splash of almond milk.  Quick, easy, homemade and paleo.  Boom. 


By over preparing on Tuesday for the week, I was able to recover from what could have been self-sabotage.    So here is a pat on the back to me and also a good dose of encouragement that I'm on the right path.  I'm making good choices.  I'm eating healthy, I'm being active and my body will (eventually) thank me.  Until then though, I'll be napping.... 

The Paleo Project, Day 2

It's day 2 of Paleo eating and home cooking!  The good news??  I'm enjoying bullet proof coffee this morning, I haven't yelled at anyone yet and I'm feeling pretty fantastic.  The bad news??  I can feel a low dull headache on the surface and know that my "withdrawal" symptoms are going to happen any day now. 
To recap the changes that I'm making for September are the following:

• no dairy (except for the Kerrygold unsalted butter in my coffee)
• no grains
• no legumes
• no eating out
• no buying coffee
• only home cooked meals by me or friends (no grocery store pre-made deli options for me!)
• no going out (except for a birthday party on the 6th I had previously committed myself to... and a date-type invitation I accepted for this Thursday...)
• no alcohol (except for the Lurong Living Paleo challenge permitted 4 oz of wine per day)
• no processed sugar or sugar substitutes
• journal/blog the process (it's good, bad and ugly.... and it probably will get ugly)

 I think that pretty much sums it up. Sunday night, in true fanfare, a friend and I went out to consume mass quantities of breaded-goodness and Jameson.  Because that is how we roll.  We like to make sure we are good and sick from too much of a bad thing to make our commitment that much more solid.  And trust, yesterday morning I was definitely suffering from a carb-hangover.  Much like an alcohol fueled hangover a carb-hangover results in nausea, fatigue and a bad attitude.  Luckily I had 4 workouts that needed to be completed with a team to force me to get my butt off the couch.  After a solid 3+ hours of sweating, burpees and laughter (my team rocks FYI), I was finally ready to eat. 

Paleo Transition Reminder #1-- I experience INTENSE hunger (or become Hangry) in the first week of paleo eating and nothing ever sounds good.  Except for every damn thing I cannot eat.

After scarfing mass quantities (okay, maybe 6-7 oz) of grilled beef, fresh veggies and fruit the beast was mostly tamed.  I did go back for more fruit later (mmmm... fresh strawberries), but consider the day an overall success.

Paleo Transition Reminder #2-- Consuming higher than normal amounts of fresh fruit during the first 7-10 days helps ease the sugar cravings, carb cravings and craziness.  It's not ideal but it's what helps me transition and after the first two weeks, the sugar cravings go away and fruit consumption goes down. 

With today as Day 2 and my first day back to work post-holiday weekend, I had to get up earlier to make sure I was ready to tackle the day without leaving room for error.  A nice fresh breakfast of eggs and salsa (protein + fat with minimal carbs), bullet proof coffee (caffeine + fat), snacks and lunch (more protein, fat and some carbs), lots of water and my supplements definitely set me up for success! 

Paleo Transition Reminder #3-- taking your supplements regularly helps. Vitamins D, B and 5-HTP will help with mood management, Omega 3s will help with brain function and are an anti-inflammatory (stupid joints),  PurePharma M3 (minerals) to help with recovery, fatigue and electrolyte balance and finally... in just a few days I'll add Lurong (velvet deer antler) to the mix. 

Although right now it feels like a lot of work and inconvenience, in a couple short weeks it'll feel like routine and I will feel amazing!  I just need to focus, stay strong and believe in the mission at hand.

"There are no secrets to success.  It's the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure." --Colin Powell

Oh Baby....

So if I'm trying to be honest with myself, trying to work things out that are scrambling around in my brain in hopes that I'm able to let go and move forward, there is something I need to address.
And... oh baby... it's a doozy!
It also happens to start with a baby.  Not my baby.  No, the baby my ex is about to have in a month or so.  Yeah.  Even just writing that makes my emotions confused.  I don't know whether to feel sad or angry or nauseous or disgusted or defeated. 


The truth of the matter is, I've never  been a baby person.  Yes, I can be polite and find something nice to say about your offspring, but it was never much of a priority for me.  Not something that I was very interested in experiencing for myself, at least. 


Until Thanksgiving 2012.  As per norm, after the holiday meal had been eaten, the kitchen clean, the sale papers looked over, conversation went to the talk of kids.  More specifically-- when were we going to be reproducing since we had been together for almost nine years at that point.  On our way home just the two of us, our conversation returned to the subject.  In that short car ride, he let me know that he was ready to have kids and I agreed (or succumbed to what I felt was my duty... the compromise I made when we married... to reproduce).  While mostly terrified-- a very small part of me was shockingly excited. 
I never really imagined myself as a mother.  Even with my best friend having the most adorable little boy ever, I loved the role of "Auntie" and savored the idea of being the part of a support cast-- someone to love and spoil and adore the little monkeys.  
So here I was... about to actually do this.  I started reading books, I went and got a physical, I bought expensive vitamins.  In 5 short months all systems were go... except... this happened to be the exact time I started to feel him slip away from me. 
It wasn't new, really.  We had been together for so long, peaks and valleys were a part of our relationship-- a part of any long term relationship really.  I knew just to be patient and he would come back to me.  Except he didn't.  By June I was back on the pill and by August... well, you know how that story goes. 


So here it is.  13 months from when our marriage ended, he is having a child with someone else.  A child will be born and I am still trying to piece my life together.  How did this happen?! 
My thoughts bounce through my head like lottery numbers and shoot out in strange order, not making any sense... but also making total sense.
It was one thing to be rejected as a person, but to be completely replaced so easily... that's a hard pill to swallow.  And this child... is going to be born to a father who is still married to someone else. WHO DOES THAT?!?!  I'm sure it's more common that I want to accept... I mean, it happens enough for Lifetime to have created it's own movie network right?  Hell-- it's why the Huffington Post even has it's own divorce Twitter account (@HuffPostDivorce).  My story isn't original.  It's not uniquely painful.  It's a pain that countless people have felt.  This happens.  And you deal with it and you move on.


Except I've been a bad friend lately while trying to ignore (but secretly obsessing) over this. I'm avoiding places I'll see kids.  I'm avoiding baby showers.  I cringe when I see baby announcements (except for my cousin Nancy-- I was really excited about that one!).   The really ridiculous part is I don't know if I'm more upset that he is having a baby or that now I probably never will.  Regardless--- I've been a bad friend and I need to take the time to apologize individually to people for that. 


And here-- where the journey is the joy and sometimes also the sorrow-- I am telling myself the following:
WHAT HE DOES IS NOT ABOUT YOU.  It's not about you.  It's not a reflection of you and the kind of mother you would have been.  What he does or says doesn't make you a failure and in fact-- things he has said (just because they were said) DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE TRUE.  It is time to release yourself from the shackles you created years ago-- Your Self Worth Is Not Measured by Him.  Your Self Worth Is Not Measured by His Success or Failure.  Your Self Worth is YOURS ALONE.  Now you can choose to continue feeling sorry for yourself or you can move forward.  Life is a cumbia of sorts and you're bound to shuffle back and forth in this little dance, but maybe let yourself be the leader in this dance.  In fact-- embrace doing the cumbia completely by yourself for a while!  Turn when you want to turn, don't worry about holding someone else's frame or keeping the necessary tension for the give and take of a partner dance.  Enjoy twirling on the floor by yourself for a while-- shake that booty!  When the right partner comes along at the right time, your rhythms will sync and you'll find the steps together. 


But for now?  Dance with wild abandon to your favorite play list and Just. Let. Go.

Opperation Stress Reducing September

In my post-competition glow, I expected this week to be easy, fun, carefree and restful.  But in actuality it's been stressful and I've been uncharacteristically grumpy. 


Thinking about my finances this morning seemed to tighten my chest and really make me feel that grumpiness wash over me in a gigantic tidal wave.  Hmmm.. perhaps this month's spending has created a moody fog and it's time I do something about it (from heating pads, to extra chiropractor visits, a massage or two and supplements, etc.... boy trying to get competition ready and healthier has been expensive!). 


Hear ye, hear ye-- I declare that the month of September shall be the month of Self-Imposed Grounding.  Because I'm already on a roll, why not tackle another item on my 35 by 35 list?  For the month of September I will take on number 26.


26.  Go one full month without eating out at all.  Just homemade meals (by me or by friends).  Keep a journal of the experience.


Granted, I might be cheating a little bit because I'm going to blog about the experience, but still.  I'm ready to move this item into my "completed items" area.  So that... you know... there are two down there.  Progress and whatnot.   


So the great things about this are-- duh, I'll save money, the LuRong Living Paleo Challenge starts in September so I need to get used to cooking on the regular again anyway, I'll save money, it's healthier, I'll save money, I'll spend more time at home because I'll be doing meal prep and eating there, also-- I should end up saving some money.


The sad truths about this are-- I'll miss my salads at Dad's Kitchen that I really only get about once every other week, but are  such a fantastic treat, I'll miss quick and easy fixes from the Nugget deli section and my occasional Chipotle dinner, not eating out means not going out for coffee in the morning too.  Yikes. 


And it's not to say that I eat out every day or buy coffee every day (because I don't), but I love the convenience and the treat of it.  I mean really, what is better than a warm and yummy Americano made with love just for you?  Or going to brunch on Sunday with friends and sitting on a patio somewhere as the summer day's warmth creeps up on you.  Ok, now I'm romanticizing brunch.  Yep.  Definitely time to step back and gain some perspective. 


In further commitment to my grounding, I will not be going out in the month of September (with exception made for a birthday party I have already committed myself to... with super fun people).  No meeting up for beers, no shopping dates, no parties, no movies, no clubs, nada.  It'll be a month for me to hang out at home, spend time with the dogs and just breathe.  My social life will consist of working out with my good friends at CrossFit (and maybe even yoga if I can get myself back into the studio). 


This will be time for me to reflect, not just save.  It'll be time for me to sit quietly and enjoy the transition from Summer to Fall.  Time for me to read books that have stacked up in my office but haven't been started yet.  It'll be time for me to reflect and regroup. 


Should be fun, right??  I mean... what could possibly go wrong??? 
(Famous last words)

From Broken Promises

From broken promises, wounds that cannot be seen go deep.
From broken promises, pain can blind all senses-- all that there is, all that is left is just ache.
From broken promises, life can be reborn. Re-imagined.  Reclaimed.

Today would have been my 6th Wedding Anniversary.  Six years ago I was a happy bride, putting on a dress I wasn't crazy about, hanging out with my favorite people and about to make promises I had every intention of keeping.  Forever.

Unfortunately, the person I made those promises to did not have it within him to do the same.  Exactly one year ago he began to reveal to me how he was breaking all of those promises he had made.  He had promised to always be my greatest supporter, to love me and honor me, to be faithful and to grow old with me.  Instead.  A year ago horrible, unimaginable sentences were thrown at me like "You are not what a wife should be" and "I never should have proposed to you."

I wont go blow for blow through all of the promises he broke or relive all of the damage he did, but I will say this: the pain I felt, one year ago today, is by far the most excruciating, inexplicable, heart-wrenching pain I have ever felt in my life.  I wish that level of pain onto no one. 

While in the throws of agony, without my consent, time marched forward.  Life went on.  Things continued to happen.  Then the point came where I realized that I had two choices: 1) wallow in my self-pity forever or 2) move forward.

(That's not to say that I didn't spend some time having a pity party.  Oh no.  I had a great big pity party.  One that included tequila, cousins, friends, crafting, dogs licking my tears away, etc.  But as my pity party started to wind down I realized that I was ready for option 2.  I was ready to move forward.)

When texting my Beef last night he reframed this "Anniversary of Broken Promises" that I had in my head to the "Anniversary of When I Started Rebuilding My Life".  And that is exactly what it should be.

If I hadn't gone through hell a year ago, I wouldn't be where I am today.  Here is the thing-- my husband and I were very different people.  Different priorities in life, different needs and different wants.  We were holding each other back from what we both wanted.



Occasionally I find myself slipping back into sadness, mourning the life that I thought was supposed to be. I think that has been the hardest thing to deal with.  A year and a life time ago, I knew what my dreams were and I thought I knew what I wanted my future to look like. Things weren't perfect, and I wasn't necessarily happy-- but I had committed to the life I was living and I was confident in the fact that things would get better.  The dreams I once had are dead, but from those broken promises will be a future so amazing I haven't even begun to imagine it.  I suppose the strangest part (at least today) is that I haven't created new dreams.  I don't have a mental picture or a goal of what my life should look like or what I want it to look like.  In some ways that scares the crap out of me, but I think that's ok.

It's time for me to be scared.  It's time for me to challenge myself.  It's time for me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.  This is, after all, how I grow from broken promises. 




I would thank everyone that has supported me through the last year.  Not that anyone really reads this blog... but still.  To my amazing friends and family that have carried me, cried with me, comforted me, laughed with me and have inspired me-- thank you so very much.

 

Dreams Be Dreams

I subscribe to the belief that dreams are really messages from the subconscious telling you what's up.  The crazy thing is that your subconscious is so smart, when we can be so oblivious to what's happening. 


For example, for the last year, at least once a month I have dreams (all night long) about tornados.  Talking with my brother (my dream directory guru), dreaming about tornados has to do emotional upheaval or the need for grounding (not the punishment kind, but the grounding of oneself through religion or belief in some greater purpose).  Looking up tornado dreams online, I find more information about how tornado dreams are about feeling out of control or overwhelmed, that there is potentially a destructive relationship in your life.  Hmmmm... feeling overwhelmed or out of control.  Um.. let's see here.  Do any of those directly relate to my life in the last year??  Yeah.  Hell yes.  Understatement.  I am definitely not in Kansas anymore, Toto.   The real question I ask myself is why am I only dreaming about this once a month and not every night??  Maybe because only about once a month do I really feel the suffocating nature of all of this and rather than slash tires or scream, I dream about tornados?  Maybe.  Or not.


For another example-- (because my subconscious really likes to make sure to drill a point home and it also likes to be a bit theatrical)  enter the poltergeist dreams.  There are few things that really scare me (aside from swimming)-- paranormal activity is one of those things.  But, again about once a month or so I have dreams about poltergeists.  Any guesses what these dream mean?  Yep.  Basically it's that there is a lack of control over your life.  That you are getting in your own way.  In the dream, it isn't really the poltergeist that's freaking you out-- it's you.  You are the one creating the chaos and the scary crap.  It's all you.  You are the only one with the ability to stop the haunting. 


Thanks subconscious.  I get it.  My shit isn't together.  That's what happens though I suppose when you change careers 3 times within 3 years, your marriage falls apart and your dog dies.  Shit. Falls. Apart.  The good news is that shit is slowly coming back together.  Not enough to prevent the dreams, but enough that I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm facing my crap and (begrudgingly) will call myself on it. 


So what brings me to this topic today?  Well, last night I had very vivid dreams.  Violent, vivid dreams.  And rather than blaming it on the garlic I ate, I decided when I woke up to Google the violence to see what my subconscious was telling me. According to www.astrology.com my violent dreams have to do with repressed anger, wanting to become physically aggressive towards others and the dream is releasing anger for you.  You know.  So I don't go bananas in person.  From www.dreammoods.com it goes further to explain that you might be feeling helpless or vulnerable in some areas of your life. 


In two days it'll be 1 year since my marriage officially ended and also what would have been my 6th wedding anniversary.  So I guess there very well could be a little aggression and repressed anger build up.  Also a bit of helplessness and vulnerability.


The next question is, does knowing this help me in any way?  Maybe.  Probably.  I mean, if I can decode what my brain is trying to tell me, maybe I can deal with it.  Instead of repressing my anger, maybe I'll lift a little heavier today, push a little harder knowing that this is inside of me.  Instead of repressing my vulnerability, maybe I'll let myself give into tears if they appear instead of pushing them aside.  Regardless of any behavior changes that I make, I at least feel like I understand what's happening inside of me.  That even though I'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip and stay strong through this "anniversary", I get that maybe I'm not as evolved as I had hoped I was.  And that is ok.  It is.  I'm a work in progress, not perfection.  And I'm okay with that reminder.


But just for the record-- I'd really like to go back to my donut dreams tonight and not the tornado, poltergeist or violent ones....

Just Keep Swimming!

I've had time for the idea of swimming in competition to saturate my brain.




I still don't like it, it still makes me want to throw up in the trash can next to my desk. 




But I'm determined to do it. 




That's something amazing that I've learned as I've gotten older.  When I was younger I would kind of suppress emotion or my gut instincts and either hide, romanticize, lie or drink.  If I don't admit it, I don't have to deal with it.  Funny how that  got me into so many absolutely terrible situations.  Now that I'm older I've learned that if I allow myself to ride the waves of emotion and let myself feel what I'm feeling, I'll eventually get to a place where I can accept what is in front of me. 


So after 24 hours of freaking out and tears and anxiety, I have resigned myself to the fact that worry isn't going to change the WOD.  If I throw up, it's not like anyone is going to say "Oh no!  Look at that, she is so worried she is sick!  Let's get rid of the pool event!"  Nope.  All I am doing is avoiding a growth opportunity. 




Getting into the pool (by myself) at the local Globo Gym last night was terrifying.  But I didn't die.  25 yards is a really long length for a terrible swimmer to go.  But I didn't die.  I'd make my way across the pool, rest, calm myself down and them move along back to the other side of the pool.  I repeated that cycle for about 40 minutes.  The whole time just focusing on one point while actually in motion, and while resting telling myself I was ok.  It's highly unlikely I am going to drown in 4 feet of water.  It's highly unlikely I am going to drown in 5 feet of water.  Let's just hope the competition pool isn't much deeper than that.....


So here is the thing.  I stand behind my freak out.  I support my freak out.  I'm allowed to freak out.  But only because it helps get me to a place where I can move forward. 


And I have no choice but to just keep swimming!

A Blank Page

Where do I even start? 
Do I start with "Wow... I forgot about this blog I started back in 2011!"   
Do I start with "Damn... a lot has changed since 2011..."
Or do I just jump right in with an emotional dump?


I think I'll go with number 3.
This year has been a year of a lot of change.  A lot.  Both hard change and good change, it's funny how most times they go hand in hand, right?  So, here I have been for the last year kind of refiguring out my life and the direction it is "supposed to take." 


One such fabulous change initiated was creating a bucket list of sorts.  The idea was to make an actual list of things I've either been too afraid to do or things that I have been putting off for no good reason and make a deadline.  My list of "35 By 35" is a mixture of fun, adventure and *gulp* fear.  A snapshot of this list?
2. Sing karaoke in a random place, while on a road trip.
10. Learn Spanish
16. Do Yoga outside of California
19.  Attempt a free-throw on an NBA court
22. Go one full week with only using your iPhone as a phone.  No texts, tweets, facebook, email, etc.  It's just a phone.
25.  Go to Alcatraz.  By boat.  On the ocean.  In the water.  And live to tell the tale.
29. Conquer your fear of BOX JUMPS.
33.  Take a creative writing class


These are just some of the highlights.  But today?  Today #7 on this list has brought me here. 


7.  Compete in a CrossFit competition.




What??  Really?  Why would I put this on my list??  I'm not an athlete, I'm not coordinated, I'm not competitive.  WHY on EARTH would I put this on my list?  Because I am crazy.  Because I have a death wish.  Or maybe because I know that sometimes I need a little challenge and a little fear to move a little bit further than I thought I was capable of.


So I made this list back in January.  The number of items I have been able to cross off since then?  In 8 months-- zero.  At then end of the month though, I'll be able to check off #7.  A friend from the box* I work out at invited me to join her for Moxie Madness-- a team competition in San Jose.  The team would be comprised of 2 men and 2 women and she was registering for the Novice division.  Even though I have done CrossFit for a while, I have never competed and I am still basically at the Novice level, based on my proficiency (or lack there of) in some of the basic movements.  Like pull ups.  Oh well!  I joined the team.  We would have 2 months to train and become a cohesive unit. 


With a strict training schedule and few rest days, areas I never thought I'd see improvements were magically improving.  It's amazing what a little effort and a deadline can produce, right???  I've made huge improvements in strength (PRs in all of my lifts) and coordination (double unders will be made my bitch).  Then there was a teaser picture released about two weeks ago.  One that put a major hitch in my get-a-long.   It was a picture of a lap pool. 


Although I love being by the ocean, I love lounging pool side and I'll even hang out along the bank of a river... I? Do.  Not. Swim.  I mean, I can keep afloat and can kind of move around in a safe, controlled, environment.  But the idea of swimming?  In an event??  At a competition?? IN A BATHING SUIT???  No.  Nope.  Count me out.


I went out and purchased a new bathing suit and a swim cap just in case, the entire time hoping this was just a big joke, not a for real option.  Yesterday?  Shit got real.  WOD** 3 was released.  A 400 yard swim, team relay.  All members of the team required to swim a  minimum of 25 yards or face a severe penalty. 


Enter panic attack. 


Not a cute, "Oh no!  I better prepare for this" kind of worry.  We are talking tears, snot bubbles and a few dry heaves.  I couldn't even look my coach in the eye at the box when I went to work out because I knew I would burst into tears about the ridiculous fears swimming (ha!) in my head. My coach is an amazing person.  He is.  Truly and amazing person and a great source of inspiration.  Additionally, he has been a friend for over 12 years and someone I admire, respect and want to make proud.  I'm going to be going out to compete in a field of God knows how many athletes and was already feeling weight on my shoulders to make him proud-- make the box proud-- as we are going out there, representing their name.  Now I'm going to be the fat girl, in tears, afraid to get in the pool on game day.


Here is the thing--- I am constantly reading Fitspo*** articles about people making their fitness successes and journeys NOT definable by what the scale says or by what society may say is "pretty" or "fit".  These are people making things happen, achieving goals and making waves in fitness.  Most notably, recently, there was Andrea, creator of "I'mperfect Life" and her amazing I Love My Ugly Body post (available to read at imperfectlife.net ).  There is the story of Amanda from Reebok CrossFit Bare Cove in Massachusetts ( available to read and watch at http://brandnewstart13.blogspot.com/2014/08/this-is-crossfit.html ).    And of course I can't forget the story of Greg L. titled "I Took Last Place in the CrossFit Games Opens" (a July 3rd blog post from www.crossfitindustrious.com ). 


I know my success wont be defined by what size my Lulu Wunder Under Crops*^ are.  I know my success wont be defined by how much slower I swim than everyone else out there at Moxie-- this is after all a TEAM competition.  But with this swimming WOD I was reduced to a pile of tears because I am being (voluntarily) forced to face two of my BIGGEST fears--
1) Swimming
2) My body


Also?  I have amazingly supportive friends.  I've received numerous offers from people to help me with my swimming; I've received funny and supportive pictures via text to make me remember that there aren't sharks in swimming pools and I have fat, I am not fat; I've received phone calls, messages and even a supportive team member hug-- everyone assuring me that this will be ok.  It'll be ok. 


So why can't I get that through my thick skull?  What is it about fear that you can hear and understand and receive so many powerful messages from the community around you but they just don't seem to saturate.  It's like my brain is a sponge.  And it's so completely saturated with fear and self-loathing that it can't absorb any of the good stuff being splashed it's way.  No one can help me wring out the sponge and get rid of the stinky-smelling, energy fouling fear moisture.  Only I can do that.  So how do I get there?  Honestly, writing this out helps me see how absolutely ridiculous this all is.  I voluntarily signed up for this.  Suck it up, buttercup and just do the work.  That's what it comes down to. 


So why do I still feel like I'm going to vomit?


*box-- CrossFit speak for gym or affiliate
** WOD-- Workout Of the Day
***Fitspo-- fitness inspiration blogs/stories/pictures
*^-- www.lululemon.com