Fall into Emotion

Fall seems to have arrived in Sacramento.  At least for now, anyway.  The leaves are falling, we had a lovely little rain the other night, temperatures have dropped into the 70's and breezes are moving everything around.  Sweaters have been pulled from the deep recesses of closets, boots dusted off and scarves worn with glee.  Pumpkin spice everything is every where.


Fall has to be my all time favorite season.  I love this time of year.  I love wearing hoodies and Uggs and watching scary movies... warm beverages, wind-chilled cheeks, long sleeved shirts, and shorter days.


And even though I have so much to be happy about, so much to be thankful for and so much joy in my life--- I can't help it, I feel lonely.  Being alone in the Spring and Summer are always fine with me-- it's too hot to want to cuddle (much) and it seems like things are happening non-stop, distracting me from the fact that I'm alone.  But in the fall?  The things I love doing would be so much better if I had someone to do them with.    Someone to snuggle up on the couch with as a pumpkin candle burns and the scary movie's plot intensifies.


It's not that I'm in a hurry or looking to be married again right away, I'm perfectly ok with patiently waiting for the right person.  I'm great company to be around, so I'm ok with being alone.  But the void, the emptiness that echoes as I walk through my house... I can feel it in my chest. 


I know I don't want to completely share my life or my home with someone until I am sure they are the right person.  I'm not looking to compromise my standards again and I feel like I have a greater understanding of what I am worth, after everything that I've been through.  But it would still be nice...


Maybe romantic-comedies and my failed marriage have ruined me for love.  Maybe  my expectations are now too high and I've played all of this backwards-- I should have started with high standards in the first place. 




I listen to soft music that fills my heart so full of emotion that tears come to my eyes.  Good tears, happy tears.... I'm singing along to the love songs that express what I hope to experience.  And although I'm sure most men would be totally put off by this emotion, I hope and I have faith that the one man-- the one that is right for me is out there and wouldn't mind.  He would understand that my feelings are always at the brim of my being, just waiting to pour over, whether in love or joy or passion or sadness--- they are never far from the surface.


 It's a blessing and a curse; I find myself over-sheltering and protecting the world from who I am because nobody wants to see the tear streaked face of a divorcee who has been overcome by the beauty of a song.  Or maybe that's just what I say inside so that I can really just protect myself from the world.  At this point I'm not sure which one of those is the real deal, but maybe it's a little bit of both. 


So as Fall envelopes us further I hope that you (yes you) are happy, you are being held tight and you are feeling the love that is around you and within you.